


Welcome to Riverdale

by laughingacademy



Category: Twin Peaks
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, F/M, Masturbation, Not Canon Compliant - Twin Peaks (2017), Oral Sex, Sex, Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 11:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8888347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughingacademy/pseuds/laughingacademy
Summary: Dale Cooper and Audrey Horne have sex and talk about comic books





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lynzee005](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynzee005/gifts).



“Ohhhhhhh … oh. Ow! Wait, Dale, sorry, stop, ouch, cramp, ow.”

“Sorry —”

“S’okay ... just need … a short break.” 

They lay panting together for a minute, Dale’s breath on Audrey’s cheek, his arms around her waist, her fingers in his hair, before she asked, “Okay if I turn up the light?’

“Sure. Actually, I could use some water, do you want some?”

“Ooooh, yeah, good call.”

Dale kissed Audrey’s left eyebrow, then slipped out from under the blankets as she switched the bedside lamp to a higher setting. 

“Ice?”

“Just water’s fine.”

She took the opportunity to knead some pillows back into fluffiness and retrieve one that had fallen to the floor. By the time Dale emerged from the bathroom with a pair of cut glass tumblers his erection had subsided a bit. Audrey wolf-whistled, and he did a little cha-cha step before handing her a glass.

“Thanks,” she said, and gave him a pillow. He tucked it behind him so he could sit up comfortably and took a sip from his tumbler as Audrey drained hers. “Whoo, didn’t realize how much I needed that.”

“Cramp better?”

She flexed her left foot and wiggled the toes. “Still twinging a little.”

“Anything I can do?”

“Let’s wait and see.” She glanced down. “Want me to keep that warm for you?”

“If it wouldn't be too much trouble.”

“Oh, not at all, not at all. Dee-lighted to. At the Great Northern, we pride ourselves — ack, don’t tickle! Here.”

He sighed as Audrey took him in a close, soft grip. “Have I ever told you how much I love your hands?”

“Thank you, sir. My mother took great pains over them when I was growing up — lotion every night, manicures every other week, and gloves whenever I went outside during the winter.”

“... Do your palms ever itch?”

Audrey paused in her ministrations as she giggled. “You remember that!”

Dale traced her jawline with one finger. “It made an impression.”

“You knocked me for a loop.” As she resumed a slow, steady stroking, she added, “I was not expecting you to be so handsome, or so sweet. It put me at a terrible disadvantage.”

“I didn’t notice,” he said breathlessly. “Frankly, you scared the hell out of me.”

She tightened her grip. “Do I still?”

“Oh, yes …”

“Mmm, good,” she purred, and leaned in.

Half an hour later, while trying to finger comb her hair into some semblance of order, Audrey asked, “Did you ever read Archie comics?”

Dale tilted his head to look at her sidelong. “The way your mind works is God’s own mystery.”

“You’re one to talk!” She picked up her empty tumbler and frowned at it. “I need more water. You?”

“Please.”

She clambered out of the wreck of the bed and accepted his glass. “So, did you?”

“What?”

“Read Archie comics?” Audrey said over her shoulder, entering the bathroom. She started to close the door, then left it ajar, a moment of indecision that made sense when Dale heard her peeing.

“Yes, when I was a boy in Philadelphia.” The corner of the fitted sheet closest to Dale had come loose. As he rolled out of bed to tuck it back into place, he added, “My friend Bradley’s sister, Marie, had some.”

“The girl next door, huh?” Audrey said, raising her voice while she ran the tap.

Dale smiled, and began untangling the rest of the bedlinens. “Quite literally.” 

“Did you date her?”

“... Sort of.”

Audrey leaned out of the bathroom, drying her hands on a towel. “Are you still in touch?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Dale shook out a blanket. “She died.”

Audrey winced and retreated into the bathroom. Dale heard the water stop running and the clink of glass before she re-emerged, refilled tumblers in one hand, a damp washcloth and the ice bucket hanging from the other, mouth pursed in a moue. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.”

“It’s all right. It was a long time ago.” He draped the cloth Audrey gave him over one shoulder, accepted a glass and drank half, then set aside the tumbler and began wiping himself down. “Thanks for this.”

“You’re welcome.”

Dale dropped the used washcloth into the bucket. They got back into bed, close but not touching. Dale rolled toward Audrey and propped himself up on one arm.

“So, Archie comics?”

Audrey turned to face him, mirroring his position. “My father got me a subscription one year as a birthday present. It was nice, for a while — I’d bring them to school, to share with the other girls, and sometimes I’d trade a couple for someone else’s Digest, you know, the little paperback collections?”

Dale nodded. “I’ve seen them.”

“Well, one day, when I was … twelve, I think? I was in Daddy’s office when one of his assistants delivered some photos that had been taken during a party, and he asked me to help him pick out which ones we should submit to the _Gazette_. There was one shot that he really liked, of me and Laura Palmer standing next to each other in our party dresses, and I remember looking at it and having this epiphany: ‘I’m Veronica Lodge, and she’s Betty Cooper.’ And that … bothered me.”

Audrey lay on her back and faced the ceiling. “Over the next few years, the idea kept popping into my head, and more I thought about it, the worse it got. I was Veronica, the spoiled rich girl. Laura was Betty, the blond do-gooder. Donna Hayward was Midge … oh, what’s her last name? Clump? Then I started high school. Principal Wolchezk was Mr. Weatherbee …”

She stretched her arms above her head, joints crackling, and turned to face Dale again. “I knew it was crazy, that I wasn’t a cartoon. But sometimes, I felt like I was being … trapped, somehow. Like one morning I’d wake up, and my whole life would be reduced to three colors and two dimensions. So I’d do things, just to prove to myself that I was still a real girl.”

Audrey blinked, slow and deliberate. “Then Laura washed up on the shore of Black Lake. I’m pretty sure Mr. Lodge never gave Betty drugs or paid her for sex. So much for living in Riverdale.”

Dale cocked his head. “You know, your father once advised me to park my jalopy outside someone else’s window.”

“You’re kidding. Your  _ jalopy _ ? What the hell?”

He shrugged. She leaned in closer and squinted. “You  _ do _ look a little like Reggie Mantle …”

“Maybe I did, before I started going gray.” He raised an eyebrow. “Want me to get you a milkshake?”

“I want to get some sleep. You wore me out." She reached for his suitcase. "Okay if I borrow a shirt?”

“Why bother?”

“That’s the other thing my mother taught me: ‘Never sleep naked in case there’s a fire and we have to evacuate.’”

“Huh. Your mother has a point. Mind tossing me my pyjama pants?”

Audrey did so, wriggled into her panties, pulled his pyjama top over her head, and switched off the light. Dale let her position him to her liking, 

“Good night, Special Agent,” she muttered into his neck, eyes closed.

Her stroked her hair. “Sweet dreams, Audrey.”

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set sometime between seasons two and three. I'm assuming that Audrey has made a full recovery from any injuries she received in the season two finale. BOB/Cooper's doppelganger is not an issue in this fic because Jesus Christ, this year has been hard enough, I'm not in any shape to try writing that.
> 
> One of Dale's lines is a paraphrase of dialogue from _Wild At Heart_ , because I'm convinced that all of David Lynch's films happen in a shared 'verse. (Yes, even _DUNE._ )
> 
> I've used some of Dale's backstory from _The Autobiography of F.B.I. Special Agent Dale Cooper: My Life, My Tapes_.
> 
> For the record, Midge's last name is Klump.


End file.
